It's been one of those weeks. I had a dream earlier this week that I flipped people off, which thing I have never done before in real life. I found it very satisfying. By the end of the week, I was thinking just how satisfying the dream actually was, and how I needed an outlet like it again.
I realized, when I felt this way, that I needed to go running. The last few weeks I haven't been very good about running regularly. I ran a couple times, casually, in Utah before the 5k, but with limited distance or limited running. Then I did a 5k, which went really well. You might have thought this would have motivated me. It didn't.
When I came back from the trip to Utah, I was exhausted and my schoolwork was at a peak. I had, and still have, so much to do that I was feeling discouraged about it all. I determined that I would sacrifice my running to catch up. I did, still, run twice that week back.
Then, this last week, I felt angry. I felt angry at my job, and the world in general, and at the work load that I was still carrying. I felt buried, like I would never catch up. And, I felt martyred because I wasn't even able to go running.
That's it! I thought, I'm going running anyway!
So, on Thursday I did. And, it went okay but it wasn't an amazing workout. Mostly, at the end, I felt frustrated that I wasn't where I was a few weeks ago, and angry that I hadn't been running. I felt discouraged and was beginning to wonder if all of this running wasn't just a waste of time.
What's more, after Thursday's run my right knee was killing me. This was concerning since I had run less than the 5k I'd run in Utah. Had I really lost so much of my training in so short a time??
Friday I went running again. I admit that, going in with the level of discouragement that I felt from the day before, plus the residual knee pain, I had already mentally determined it wouldn't be an amazing run. And, well, it wasn't. I ran/walked 5 minutes on and off for about 25 minutes. Then, I stopped, stretched, and went home.
I felt like I was failing, and sinking.
Friday night was a fantastic date night - farmer's market, amazing dinner at Hunan, and relaxing evening in. I was up late, so I took Saturday off from running. I slept in, I took a nap, I got some papers graded, I had some time with my book club ladies, and I recharged a bit. I only did stuff if, and when, I felt like it. It was lovely, and it changed my attitude.
By Saturday night I was sitting, reading through Runner's World again, and feeling like a proper runner. I began to see myself as successful. I even dreamt last night that I was trying out for the Olympics with a good chance at getting selected (hahaha). But, point is that even my subconscious was onboard again.
This morning, in an effort to defeat the knee pain, I decided it was time to do away with my old shoes and try on the new ones. If I still felt knee pain after today's run, I decided, I would go buy some different shoes and try to cross train more.
So, I strapped my new shoes on (or, at least my new version of the same-old Saucony shoes that I love), and went running. It was a beautiful, cool, breezy day. The streets were mostly empty. The sun was shining and keeping me warm, and I had a great, successful, energizing run. Afterwards, my knee didn't even complain once. It was lovely.
It also made me realize just how important patience and determination really are as I work toward this goal. It is so easy to get discouraged. It is so easy to come up with reasons not to do things. And, it is so easy to let my mind determine the quality of my running - even for the worse. Sometimes I really do have to be patient with my body, and maintain a determination that I will not defeat myself. Ever.
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