Squashing Personal Devils

Today I woke up and went running. I have to be honest that I didn't really want to. In fact, I had already started the negative self-talk BEFORE I even walked out the door. This was a problem.

On Tuesday, when I woke up, I kept telling myself that I could run. I could do this. I was going to prove negative talkers wrong. It was all positive talk.

Today, however, I woke up thinking about how hard this was going to be. I kept telling myself, "you're too tired," or "you're going to injure yourself," or, "stop trying to say you're a runner. You know you're not," or "don't you have better things to be doing?"

I felt like Kronk, and I didn't know what to believe.

But, I persevered. I got out, and I ran.

It was a tougher run because I was fighting against myself mentally. I kept hearing that shoulder devil saying, "Go ahead and stop. You're tired. You don't have to push yourself. No one will know if you stop and walk. Just walk. After all, 12 minutes is SO long."

"Quiet," I replied, "I can do this. I did it on Tuesday."

"Yeah," said the devil, "but that was just a fluke. You're more tired today. You can't repeat it."

I began to feel defeated. Finally I said to myself, "NO. YOU WILL NOT STOP. RUN, RUN, RUN. Focus on something else! Don't think about your breathing, or your body, or the pain. Think of something ELSE. ANYTHING. Just RUN, RUN, RUN. YOU WILL NOT STOP!!"

I didn't stop. I ran the whole time.

Today's log: 12 minutes, 4.4 mph, 1.3 miles.

Take that, stupid shoulder devil. Take that!

Sparkly Success

I have decided that today I earned a big gold star. My run achieved a personal milestone and blasted pass a previous personal record!

Today, I ran 12 minutes straight, and nearly an entire mile in that time (according the the treadmill, which is not particularly reliable about distance, actually)! It's not fast, but who cares?? It's as good as I was running in the sixth grade, so that's not too bad. Plus, I'm not in this for the speed. I'm in it for the successful feeling I get after I finish.

It just goes to show that we are capable of so much more than we ever thought possible.

Years ago, I never would have thought myself capable of doing any running. I hated it. Gym was my WORST class at school, and I avoided working out like the plague. Then, I got some great advice from my sister, Tonya, who told me how to breathe when I ran so I didn't feel like I was going to die. I tried it out. I discovered that it was hard, but that I wasn't going to die. More importantly, I discovered that I loved doing it, and that I craved doing more. I ran and ran, and got fit.

Then, when I didn't run for months, I thought that was it - I was going to never regain any fitness. I did half-hearted workouts, occassionally. I was mostly trying to console myself. I kept remembering all the people who told me I would never be athletic, or thin, or fit, or strong. Because I remembered what they said, I believed them and chose to agree - which was the worst crime I could commit against myself.

Then, my sister-in-law issued a challenge to run a half marathon in January, which she gives training advice for here, if you care to read it. I decided to test her no-walk theory, and before I knew it, I was jogging without stopping, and loving it. I'm still thinking the half marathon over. But, it made me realize three things:

1. We never achieve the things we never truly reach for.
2. If I reach halfway, that's what I'm going to get.
3. I cannot let another define what I am capable of.

So, I got out, and I ran today to prove them all wrong. It's true, reading my book sounded better in the moment. But, I'm a feisty, stubborn woman, and I was determined to prove all those memories in my head wrong. I was going to prove to myself that I can be what I want to be, not what they said I had to be.

The run was easier than I thought. Now, having run, I feel physically awesome. More importantly, though, it feels remarkable to remember that I am in control of my fate. I set my own limitations.

For that, I think I totally deserve a gold star!

The Grim Truth

Okay, true confessions:

I haven't really been exercising since my last post. Sigh. I have fallen into the trap of "I don't have time," or "I'm too tired," or, well, generally making excuses.

Mostly, we've been vacationing since I last wrote. It was a delightful couple of months roaming around Utah and California, playing with the family. I'm going to write about it on my other blog. You can read it here, if you care to. (This said, if I keep making excuses, I may not get around to writing it. Oh well.)

Since I last wrote, though, I have been thinking a lot about exercising. I've been thinking how I should do it, but I didn't want to. I've been thinking about how I probably ought to not eat the double-scoop ice cream and really ought to get out and exercise. But, then I'd think how it was dark, or I'd just eaten, or we were up in the mountains, or I didn't know where my shoes were anyhow, so "not now." I'd leave it at that.

Finally, we went on our last trip, for a while, up to Huntington Lake. I had sort of exercised the week before. I had gone running once, and then had taken a hike and a bike ride (neither of which was strenuous, but I was reaching here anyhow). There we were, sitting in the cabin, watching television. We don't normally watch television, because we can't be bothered to get the box for it, and I refuse to pay for cable. Plus, mostly it's trashy stuff anyhow, is too addicting, and distracts me from other fun things. Anyhow, we were on vacation, so watching television was a real treat for us. We sat down with our apples and caramel and what did we watch? The Biggest Loser Finale. Oh, the irony.

I sat there, and I watched those people work their butts off, as I enjoyed my caramel goodness and personal pedicure, and I thought to myself, "It's time I stopped procrastinating and making excuses."

So, I stopped (after I finished the caramel, of course).

Today I went for a run. I want to tell you it was amazing, and it was. It was amazing to get back out there and move my body. I feel more amazing now than I have felt in weeks. I've decided to eat better (I had a dinner of cheetos, cold cereal and grapes yesterday - not exactly a balanced diet) again, and to get out to exercise more. This is because the truth is I feel happier, more at peace, and less critical of the world around me when I have my zen time on the track.

I had exercised today, and I came into work to sit down and grade papers (something else I've been procrastinating in all my gallivanting around this summer). I sat down to check my e-mail, and had received these two articles in my box:

The first, which you can read here, is about physical activity for the elderly (including people who weren't active, and became active) and how it can actually DOUBLE your chances of living a longer life. Pretty incredible stuff.

The second article, which you can read here, talks about how only 8% of Americans are not at risk for developing heart disease in their lifetimes. 8%. Let that number sink in for just a second and you will see that Americans are in serious trouble. No wonder everyone wants free health care - we're all going to be dying from heart disease and needing the government to help foot the bill.

The good news? At least the healthy people won't have to worry about the government running out of social security money.

I know. Grim.

Still, the point is the same. Whatever your situation, wherever you are, and whatever you do: get out today and MOVE your body. Exercise. Delight in the movement of you physical self. Discover that there's more to you than just sitting, staring at a screen (a computer or a television), and eating.

Trust me. I loved the show and I loved the caramel, but they were nothing compared to today's runner's high.