Blah Blah Blah

This last weekend has been a hard one for me. I have really been struggling. In fact, lately I have been struggling in a variety of ways. So, I'm going to complain. Don't read if whining bugs you.

First, I am not well. I am not ill, but I am not well. I have a chronic sore throat after my horrifically long days of teaching. Then, something has bloomed in Fresno and it doesn't agree with me. I have been coughing hard at nights and in the mornings, such that Aaron said I sound like I have asthma (because the cough reminds him of Alex's cough as a kid). I feel tired, and my limbs feel heavy, even though I have been getting plenty of sleep.

Plus, my balance and spatial awareness seems to be off. Today I slammed a door into my toe (which still hurts, by the way, so it was a HARD hit), tripped over three chairs (no little shuffle, either), dropped my stainless steel water bottle (we're talking FLYING drop, water everywhere) on TWO separate occassions, and when I mis-said a word in class, I came out with a "Bloody Hell" of frustration in front of the students. What the...!? I never swear! So, something is just, well off, and I can't figure out what is going on!

Then, work has been particularly taxing. It's not that work has changed, but I am burned out on it and we're only in week 2 of 11 at one school, and week 3 of 8 at another. My schedule is only going to get busier, and all I can think about is how to get away from it. I spend hours during my teaching feeling like I am drudging through it. Perhaps it is the 14-hour days in front of the students, or perhaps it is just general burn out.

My coworkers haven't much helped with my "enjoyment" of work. More this quarter than ever before, they seem clique-ish and exclusive. Here's two special instances to illustrate this point:

1. It was lunch time. We were sitting there, eating our meals. The oldies, but goodies, were at one end, and the two younger ones (myself included) were at the other. After some time, where I was super stressed and involved in thought about how to get my sammy to not fall apart while I wolfed it down, the other girl suddenly said to me, "Oh, great, this is going to be the most boring quarter because all of the interesting people are at the other campus." Great. Nice to know I'm boring.

2. Every one of the female day instructors under the age of 40 had a matching lanyard today, but me. Someone took special time to point this out to me and said, "You should get one. I mean, let's face it...a BYU lanyard just doesn't cut it." Thanks, mean girl. Sorry I'm not a groupie. Kiss my, what?!

Anyhow, today I just punched in my card at work. As Aaron always says, "This, too, shall pass." It's true. With time things will sort themselves out. But, I just keep thinking about the R.S. lesson on Sunday about patience. I remember Sis. Van N. saying, "if patience is a virtue, I am NOT a virtuous woman," and I laugh. I think about the need for patience, and I am praying for it now because it is hard to see hope in the middle of hard things (even when those hard things are little hard things).

It's been a long day. Perhaps I'll go home and go to bed early. Or not. We'll see.

I'm planning a run tomorrow morning. I'll let you know how that goes.

New Shoes + No Knee Pain = Renewal

It's been one of those weeks. I had a dream earlier this week that I flipped people off, which thing I have never done before in real life. I found it very satisfying. By the end of the week, I was thinking just how satisfying the dream actually was, and how I needed an outlet like it again.

I realized, when I felt this way, that I needed to go running. The last few weeks I haven't been very good about running regularly. I ran a couple times, casually, in Utah before the 5k, but with limited distance or limited running. Then I did a 5k, which went really well. You might have thought this would have motivated me. It didn't.

When I came back from the trip to Utah, I was exhausted and my schoolwork was at a peak. I had, and still have, so much to do that I was feeling discouraged about it all. I determined that I would sacrifice my running to catch up. I did, still, run twice that week back.

Then, this last week, I felt angry. I felt angry at my job, and the world in general, and at the work load that I was still carrying. I felt buried, like I would never catch up. And, I felt martyred because I wasn't even able to go running.

That's it! I thought, I'm going running anyway!

So, on Thursday I did. And, it went okay but it wasn't an amazing workout. Mostly, at the end, I felt frustrated that I wasn't where I was a few weeks ago, and angry that I hadn't been running. I felt discouraged and was beginning to wonder if all of this running wasn't just a waste of time.

What's more, after Thursday's run my right knee was killing me. This was concerning since I had run less than the 5k I'd run in Utah. Had I really lost so much of my training in so short a time??

Friday I went running again. I admit that, going in with the level of discouragement that I felt from the day before, plus the residual knee pain, I had already mentally determined it wouldn't be an amazing run. And, well, it wasn't. I ran/walked 5 minutes on and off for about 25 minutes. Then, I stopped, stretched, and went home.

I felt like I was failing, and sinking.

Friday night was a fantastic date night - farmer's market, amazing dinner at Hunan, and relaxing evening in. I was up late, so I took Saturday off from running. I slept in, I took a nap, I got some papers graded, I had some time with my book club ladies, and I recharged a bit. I only did stuff if, and when, I felt like it. It was lovely, and it changed my attitude.

By Saturday night I was sitting, reading through Runner's World again, and feeling like a proper runner. I began to see myself as successful. I even dreamt last night that I was trying out for the Olympics with a good chance at getting selected (hahaha). But, point is that even my subconscious was onboard again.

This morning, in an effort to defeat the knee pain, I decided it was time to do away with my old shoes and try on the new ones. If I still felt knee pain after today's run, I decided, I would go buy some different shoes and try to cross train more.

So, I strapped my new shoes on (or, at least my new version of the same-old Saucony shoes that I love), and went running. It was a beautiful, cool, breezy day. The streets were mostly empty. The sun was shining and keeping me warm, and I had a great, successful, energizing run. Afterwards, my knee didn't even complain once. It was lovely.

It also made me realize just how important patience and determination really are as I work toward this goal. It is so easy to get discouraged. It is so easy to come up with reasons not to do things. And, it is so easy to let my mind determine the quality of my running - even for the worse. Sometimes I really do have to be patient with my body, and maintain a determination that I will not defeat myself. Ever.

Today's Business Meeting = Happier Me

Today's run went fine. I was still sore from yesterday, so I decided to do an easier workout.

Lately I have been battling myself mentally in myriad ways. I don't know why my mind seems so set on negative self-talk, but it has been. So, when I woke up sore from yesterday's cross training, the talk started again. "You don't need to get out there and run today," or, "you're sore, so you won't be able to do a run today anyway. Just don't go today. Wait until you're not sore, and then you can go."

The problem with this kind of thinking is that if I do not go one day, I am worried it will affect my perception of myself further. I will begin to believe that it is better if I don't get out there and run, which I know isn't true. Admittedly, if I schedule a break day (for example, Sunday this week will be a day off), I don't feel bad about it. But, if I choose, last minute, a break because it is easier, then there's a problem.

This morning, though, I was determined to fight off my demon.

It kept telling me that I wouldn't be able to run today. So, I told myself I didn't have to. I had to go to the gym, and I had to walk on the treadmill, but if I didn't feel up to it, I didn't have to run.

Today, Ms. Yellow Shirt was back at the gym (this time in a white shirt). She was running strong below me as I walked on the treadmill. I walked for 10 minutes before my muscles finally felt looser and warmed up. Then, I looked down at her on that treadmill and I thought, "I can do that." So, I did. I kept it lighter today than normal, which is okay. I have to remind myself that it's okay not to work to my maximum output every single day. After all, I don't want to end up injured, and the point is that I DID IT, even when it would have been easier not to.

When I finished, I still felt good, and I felt proud of myself for getting to that gym today in spite of it all.

Later today, though, I had a killer headache. I seem to be getting headaches more frequently lately. I don't know why, but I suspect it is from the compacting of my spine from running. I spent extra time stretching my leg muscles today, but didn't even think about my back. In future I need to spend some time focusing on stretching out my spine so I don't end up injuring it, or suffering from future headaches. I've wondered, though, if the headache might be from working at a computer the rest of the afternoon. Regardless, I believe the solution will be in strengthening my back, and stretching out its muscles.

Today, though, I overcame the headache pain with a nap. I felt 100% better after a little sleep, which just goes to show that, like Ryan Hall suggested, naptime is just as important in training as time running. Perhaps I'll do like he does and start calling it my scheduled afternoon "business meeting."

What a lovely type of business meeting, too: just me, my dreams, and my comfy bed. Sounds like a happy combination. Excuse me while I go check it out right now. After all, I have to get ready for tomorrow's work out.